I had a detailed attachment theory personality test done by a trained psychologist specializing in this. The test aimed to check my attachment style. I grew up as an anxious person, afraid that I would be abandoned. Because of this personality type- I was needy, and clingy and I hated feeling that way.
This is something I’ve been working on for about five years and I knew I had made great progress about three years ago when I decided to leave a push-pull kind of relationship a few years ago.
It’s hard for an anxious person to leave relationships. An avoidant will go easily. A secure person will always be open to working out issues, but they are also okay with leaving.
I wanted to be love without fear of being neglected, I wanted to fall apart knowing that I would come back soon, I wanted to compromise in relationships but know when it’s time I had to leave.
I wanted to give and set boundaries. I wanted closeness but also alone time.
I wanted healthy communication.
I expected problems but wanted to work on solutions.
I was wanted balance.
Two weeks ago, I had a very anxious dream which threw me off. I woke up crying and couldn’t stop. I realized that I have also been acting and feeling anxious and insecure. This worried me. I then scheduled the test mainly because I didn’t want to slip back into being anxious again.
A week ago, something big happened again, and my reaction floored me. I didn’t act as I would have in the past – cry, sob, lose my sh*t. I figured my spiritual, emotional, and mental work was finally paying off.
I calmly listened and respected what was being said and asked of me even when I didn’t agree or like it. But I also got into my head to remind myself this wasn’t about me. This was life saying I don’t have a choice but to accept this. In the past- I would have been a total mess for days, or at least hours.
But I also realize it’s because I’ve done more mental work in shifting my attachment style from anxious to secure, and that’s an incredible feeling- so I had to share. 😊
I learned that a secure person could act anxious depending on who they interact with and what is being discussed. If I was anxious most of my life- it’s possible those feelings can resurface, but when you become secure- you can take time off and regroup faster. There is no more beating up on yourself, fear of moving on, crumbling for days on end…
So- why did I want to be secure in myself? 😁
It doesn’t mean you go about with logics and shut down emotions. It simply means
✨you know what you want,
✨you allow yourself to fall apart, but you also know you’re getting up in a short while
✨you make decisions that works for you while considering others,
✨you aren’t afraid to compromise and be vulnerable
✨you don’t care about who wins as long as no one gets hurt in the process
✨ and you pretty much know you can handle whatever comes your way
Yay me! Unless you truly know what it’s like to fall under the weight of feeling abandoned and rejected, you may not be able to appreciate how happy I feel that I know life will have difficult moments but I won’t fall apart for long periods of time. 😊
How I got here
Books 😊- Attached is one of my favorite books on this topic. It helps you to understand and appreciate yourself and the other three attachment styles around you.
You will learn how to communicate your feelings and needs as well
Research on the work being done on personality science. You can find journals online or ask a therapist for that information.
Find a therapist. I don’t vent and complain to my therapist.
While I work on myself with her, I spend most of that two hours a week strategizing how I can change or incorporate personality traits.
The only way we can achieve something is first know what we want to be. I’ve always prioritized emotional, spiritual and mental growth because I see when those areas of your life are strong, you have everything else you need to accomplish everything you want.
